remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Randomize
