last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize
