I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
