saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
