Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
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