i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Randomize
