The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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