Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Randomize
