I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
