I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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