Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
