Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Randomize
