When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
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