the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
