So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
