how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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