i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
