dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
