Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
