Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
