I am puke
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Did I show you my penis last night?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
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