I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
