i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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