About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
