I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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