So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
where does the pee come out of this thing
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
