Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
