guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
