If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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