the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
