i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
