Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
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