i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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