My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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