mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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