Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
