Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
two words...techno handjob
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
