Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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