I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
