hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
