I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
