I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
