im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
