There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
