i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
