I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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