How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
