i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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