I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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