I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
My bed smells like the plague
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
