I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
